I apologize for my silence this summer. I needed this time to sift through some things and rediscover the truth. I strive for honesty in my writing, but I inevitably fall into self-deception along the way. It’s part of being human. I’ve been calling myself names again. It’s so easy to label myself, especially in this day and age of social media. I project a certain image and eventually, I start to believe the lie myself. Sophomore year, the label was “photographer” and everything I did was to prove that point. This past year, I’ve poured my heart and soul into the label of “screenwriter.” I read everything about story structure I could get my hands on, thought about it constantly and started writing a screenplay. Even this blog was a product of the obsession. I hoped this could be a place where I could continue to grow as a “creative.”
The problem with naming, though, was that rather than confirming my identity, it confined it. When you label something, you destroy its ability to be something else. It destroyed my ability to just be myself.
I needed this summer of silence to become myself again. I needed to realize that I am just as human as always -- and not as cool as I make myself out to be. It’s amazing how much you realize about yourself when you stop talking and start to listen again.
God spoke to me very clearly early this summer. He told me to stop pursuing selfish ambitions and follow him (Mark 8:34). It took me about a second to realize how my passion for screenwriting had deteriorated into a meaningless pursuit of self-worth.
“If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it.” Mark 8:35
I was grasping at my life again, living with an attitude of scarcity. And in the process, I was losing sight of my first love.
“How do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process? ” Mark 8:36
God asked me to step away from my dreams for a while. So this summer, I left my screenplay untouched, stopped posting to this blog and rested. I thought perhaps he wanted me to give up on them completely. But I think he just wanted me to stop long enough to be re-envisioned.
A month later, a good friend of mine wrote me this note: “When you write, it brings life because you are like your Daddy. You and him create and bring life through words. I bless you dear friend to spread God’s presence and power. I also bless you to create and bring life through what you write.”
I needed that affirmation. God has given me this ability to write and he definitely wants me to use it. But first I must let my selfish dreams die so they can be resurrected into something nobler. Something worthy of the Lord.
So here goes. And thanks for letting me process this with you :)
Any thoughts on these rambling introspective paragraphs?