It's terrifying to watch my motivation seep away.
I've been so determined not to settle for mediocrity, but to my horror, I keep catching myself thinking it would be so much easier to surrender. Not everyone has to be great, you know. And I might even be happier.
I like to think I'm a driven person, but if I'm going to make it in the film industry, it has to be because of a higher calling. Selfish ambition can only get me so far, and that's not very far at all. I'm 23 and already burnt out. It's pathetic.
So this month I've been focused on resting and listening. I'm unsure what my next steps are after working at a PR job for almost two years. I'm no closer to the film industry, and now I'm barely even writing. I've been waiting desperately for the Lord to speak, asking him to give me some direction, some confirmation of my calling. Reading Acts has made me hungry for the intimacy Paul had with the Lord - listening, hearing and obeying in one fluid motion.
When I got quiet, God spoke up.
"Fan into flames the spiritual gift God gave you." (2 Timothy 1:6)
I've heard it before, but this time it was for me. My writing is the gift he's given me. I have my higher calling. Now it's up to me to fan it into flame, to feed it, to give it space to grow. And the better I listen to my Source, the more powerful it will be when I write because I will be communicating his message.
Friends, my Father's voice has rekindled my courage.