I'm still struggling not to see 2018 as a waste. I don't have much clarity about the future. My anxieties have multiplied. My depression has a name now but it's as heavy as ever. I usually love this time of year for all the prepping and the planning and the dreaming. But this time my new year feeling is more like the Saturday morning rush of urgency, quickly followed by the crushing resignation that I'll only be able to accomplish a fraction of my to-do list.
I wish I could laugh off my distress but I do want to have compassion for the disappointment shadowing the spirit of this year’s planning. I failed to meet many of my goals last year, so now I'm hesitant to commit for fear of breaking more promises. In 2018, my dreams were postponed again, so any hopes for 2019 feel like creative new ways to break my heart.
But HOPE is the word I've chosen to live by this year, so I must learn to embrace it! Throughout 2019, as I ponder my direction in life (and attempt to ignore Doomsday Brain), I'll be meditating on Psalm 25: 4-5.
Show me the right path, O Lord;
point out the road for me to follow.
Lead me by your truth and teach me,
for you are the God who saves me.
All day long I put my hope in you.
With that in mind, here's my overly-ambitious list of hopes for 2019:
Early to bed, early to rise
Stop using sugar as a coping mechanism
Write morning pages
Work towards a new poetry chapbook
Write more about the books, movies, music and art I love
Use my feet/bike/bus to get around
Publish personal essays as a warm-up to my eventual memoir
Spend less time staring at my phone
More baking, cooking, crafting, fangirling and photography
Reduce, reuse, recycle
Establish a daily thankfulness practice
Explore my fashion sense (sustainably whenever possible)
Go on some dates (????)
Feel less ashamed about where I stand spiritually and politically
Be more courageous about sharing my voice with my audience
Learn more about what it means to be a Third Culture Kid
Greater honesty with God and with myself
Write letters and call my family
Host more parties!